L'il Darlin'
by Ava Chanel
Summary: Perhaps if she were to have one, with him wouldn't be so bad. Subtle tragic Mal/Inara hints.


**A/N: **_As a result of listening to some melancholy music (specifically the song Noble Maiden Fair in the Brave OST and some good old Angus & Julia Stone), I've decided to do a little piece on the tragedy behind Inara's characterization, something many authors (myself included) have a habit of overlooking. _

**L'il Darlin'**

**Summary: **Perhaps if she were to have one, with him wouldn't be so bad. Subtle tragic Mal/Inara hints.

"_Give me hope in silence,  
It's easier; It's kinder,  
Tell me not of heartbreak,  
It plagues my soul, it plagues my soul,  
And bury me beside you,  
I have no hope,  
In solitude,  
And the world will follow,  
To the earth down below..."_

-The Enemy, Mumford & Sons

She never thought she'd ever like them. They were small, so fragile and delicate. They were needy, required much attention, not to mention time and money. There wasn't much appealing about them, truth be told. It was more hassle than it was worth; perhaps it was always something she had failed to understand. They were noisy, smelly, cranky, and too much responsibility. Inara didn't think she'd be able to handle all of that. There was beauty, of course. It just never occurred to her to consider a life with them.

She smiled at the Companion, something sweet. Her eyes were her father's; a pale, sky blue but on her head were her mother's dark brown curls. She lay there in her small crib, helpless and happy, kicking up her feet and touching her toes, like it was some kind of accomplishment. She was saying: hey, look what I can do! Inara's fingers found their way to her tummy and she tickled her lightly. She was giddy and her laughter had the power to make any room seem a little less gloomy. Despite her previous thoughts on the matter, Inara found herself smiling and enjoying the company of the little one. She may not have been hers but she was a part of the crew now and she had come to be loved and adored.

However, she was most important to Zoe. Inara never thought she'd see the battle hardened woman experience joy or love ever again after the gruesome death of her husband. That critical spark of life was missing for the longest time until Zoe had discovered the most joyous new; her pregnancy. It was a good day for everyone. To know that a piece of Wash was still with her, that he would live on in their daughter, well no one could take that away from her, nor would she let them. Inara found herself oddly protective of the woman throughout her pregnancy. She'd make her healthy meals and provide her with beautiful, soft blankets to swaddle the baby in. Most of the other crew had joined in, too. Kaylee had bought books filled with tips on how to have a healthy pregnancy aboard a space vessel. Jayne had been the one to build the crib when there hadn't been enough money to purchase one. River had painted it, decorating it with Kaylee's advice on what to draw for a baby girl, and Simon had made it a priority to perform routine check-ups on the first mate and her unborn child.

But perhaps what came as more of a shock was the reaction of the captain himself. Inara had never been good at reading Mal. Always unpredictable, that man was. But she liked him all the more for it. So when Zoe had announced her pregnancy, Inara didn't know what Mal's response would be. Would he fret over the fact that there would be a baby on his boat where crime took place? Would he kick Zoe off now that she wouldn't be as useful on jobs? Would he avoid the topic until it was deemed unavoidable? Nobody really knew. The entire crew had turned to look for his response.

What they had failed to realize was that Mal already knew about Zoe's situation before she had even mentioned it to any of them. It made sense that she would have told him first. They had always been close, Zoe and Mal. She had probably come to him, excited and maybe a little bit scared. Perhaps the warrior woman had been apprehensive about approaching the captain, herself. Talking babies with Mal didn't seem like a common thing to do, especially when that baby was the daughter of his now deceased pilot.

Yet, somehow, Mal ended up being the most invested in ensuring the baby was born healthy and strong and that Zoe did alright. He never uttered a complaint, never said a word when his ship started to slowly fill up with baby supplies, and when the little girl was finally born, he had stayed at Zoe's side the entire time, holding her hand when she needed him most. Inara wasn't jealous, though. She seemed to understand. Without her husband, Zoe needed a figure of support and, although no one would have seen it coming, Mal fit into the role quite easily.

That was when things started to change.

When Inara's mind started to change.

She picked her up into her arms and cradled her against her chest. Her small head rested on her shoulder, tucking away into her long, dark tresses. Her tiny arms came around her neck, as far as they could go, and her little fingers played with her hair. Inara bounced her lightly, stroking the fine, soft curls on her head, and tried her best not to cry.

Years ago, she'd never have cared about having a baby or a family. She wouldn't have cared for it, even now. But Zoe's daughter had brought a harsh reality to light: the fact that she could never have it, even if she wanted to. The option that was so easily available to many women, was snatched from her. Like some kind of cruel joke, fate had spun her around and spat in her face. If she didn't want children, then fine. She would never have them. Or, she could have them, and die before seeing them grow any older. That was her curse. Inara should have been okay with that. She really wasn't mother material, anyways. It only proved to her that it was never meant to happen.

But that only seemed to fuel her desire even further. She longed to defy it, to break tradition and become a mother, regardless of the circumstances. There wasn't any use to it, of course, what with her short life span and her vicious disease. But Zoe's little gem was born so beautiful and brought with her so much happiness to a world full of sadness. She had brightened their lives and she had opened a part of Mal Inara never thought she'd live long enough to see.

She smiled to herself when she envisioned it; what they could have, if only their fate had been different. It could have been _their_ daughter in her arms. It could have been a piece of him she'd carried within her. It would have been _their _child that brought a smile to his face; that brightened his expression. He'd have loved her something fierce, named her something pretty like Lila and given her an adorable nickname, just because he could.

"L'il darlin'," he'd call her, each time he'd take her into his arms.

He'd raise her above his head and fly her about and she'd laugh. She'd have his eyes, indigo blue, but they'd shine in the light just like his did. She'd give him a reason to fight harder, to stay alive, and to come back in one piece from his deadly jobs. She'd give him that reason even after her mother had long since passed. She could be his saving grace because, as much as she'd be a part of him, she would be a part of Inara and maybe that would be enough.

But it pained her greatly to think that she wouldn't be able to join them. It made her eyes sting and she stared up at the ceiling in an effort to keep the tears from spilling. How could something she'd never even cared for, suddenly have such a significant meaning to her now? Even after she had discovered her imminent death in the hands of an incurable disease, she had come to accept living out the rest of her days as a Companion who traveled the 'verse. It was all she had ever wanted. But life had a funny and cruel way of playing tricks and perhaps the cruelest of them all was the captain. Inara had thought her disease would be the most unfair thing to happen to her. Her life, so young, so perfect, was to be snatched from her and there was nothing that could be done. Was there anything worse?

She didn't think so, at the time. But no one had told her that there would be a feeling worse than that of her body revolting against her, destroying her from the inside out, and so, for a time, she had believed in that. Captain Malcolm Reynolds, however, had a way of taking everything she knew and making her question it. All her old comforts, everything she knew to be true, he took them from her and replaced the hole with something different, a feeling she never dared to dream of. That was how Inara had learned, in the hardest of ways, of something far worse than dying so young: loving a man enough to want to fight against a hopeless and inevitable future.

The baby fidgeted in her arms, moving about to get more comfortable. It was like she could sense the Companion's unease, feel her sadness; understand what it was that she carried inside of her. She hushed her and patted her back but Inara was having a hard time deciphering if it truly were the baby she sought to comfort. She squeezed her a little tighter, held her a little closer, and kissed the top of her head delicately with quivering lips. She inhaled sharply, her breath shaky as she held the tears at bay. It wasn't like her to feel sorry for herself. She had come to terms with it so many years ago. Yet here she was, suddenly a broken woman coming to realize everything she was losing because this time, she had more to lose.

The baby whimpered and tossed her head about, growing restless in her arms. Inara pulled her away and smiled at her through blurry eyes. She blinked at the Companion, kicking her feet and moving her fingers to her small mouth. Inara began to sing to her then, a low voice, a soft tune. She hummed it and her voice wasn't as smooth as she'd have liked it, choked by the tears, but the baby seemed to enjoy it well enough. She watched her with her father's eyes and stilled. Inara danced her about the room, humming her melancholy tune, keeping her smile on despite her inner turmoil. She giggled in response until Inara's song came to an end. The Companion then put her down in her crib and wrapped her up gently in the blankets she had bought for her, stroking her bangs with the pad of her thumb after she was rested. The young one yawned, opening her little mouth wide enough to reveal the spots her teeth would be growing in.

"Sleep, sweet one," Inara whispered.

Her eyelids were growing heavy and so Inara sang to her again, humming the tune from the beginning. She continued it, until finally, the baby closed her eyes and did not reopen them. Inara leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on her forehead, her long curls tickling the infant's face.

She'd never thought she'd ever like them. She never thought she'd want them in her life. But she thought of the captain and she found herself robbed of yet one more thing. She would never be his lover, never be his wife and, as she had painfully learned tonight, she would never be a mother. A tear slid down her cheek and landed softly on the sleeping baby's face. She stirred and Inara wiped away at the single drop.

When she managed to speak, she said, "Hush now, sleep little darling. Everything is going to be fine."

But nothing was fine. A little girl would never come to know her father. Sure, Mal would do his part where necessary but it would never be the same. He wasn't Wash and he never would be and one day, she'd learn of his true fate and it could break her.

"Maybe we have a lot more in common than one would think," Inara mused.

But at least, she would have Mal.

What did Inara have? What would _she_ leave behind when all was said and done? Wash had left behind a wife who loved him and a daughter who could replace the hole he had left in Zoe's heart.

But Inara had nothing. There would be absolutely nothing left behind when she was gone.

Except maybe a broken, lonely, shell of a man whom she had grown to love and who had, unfortunately, also loved her back. She would be his undoing, she would ruin him forever.

And that was, perhaps, much worse than leaving behind nothing itself.

_-fin_

** A/N: **_You're probably thinking how I could write something so miserable on Christmas day. I suppose it is sort of strange. I've had this idea in my head for a while now and it just so happens I managed to patch it up nicely today of all days. Personally, I think Inara makes a great motherly figure, as is shown in the way she takes care of River and Kaylee. However, I don't think she sees that quality in herself, which is what I wanted to clarify here. _

_ Also, I didn't give Zoe and Wash's daughter a name simply because I think Joss will name her eventually and I just can't come up with one nice enough to fit her. I even like to think Zoe might not name her right away, being something she'd like to carefully consider first. Part of me feels like it would ruin her if I just made it up and that the name she will have will be something pretty and profound. Also, the idea of her being perhaps a little anonymous so that Inara could fit her into the role of being her own was crucial, so she remained nameless._

_ As usual, feedback is always welcomed. Thanks for reading. :)_


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